I hate the way the snow squeaks at 40 below

mumble mutter condensible particulate matter...jet stream... BAH. (Hi Brucie)

Today I make it my mission (after I get the kids to the bus), to take pictures of the cold. I hate winter. I hate Christmas. And New Year stopped being fun after I was about 7. I was born the day before Summer Solstice, and wintertime, well, it just offends me.

So what the hell am I doing in Northern Alberta? Obviously, it's not for the weather, or for the terrific community planning. It's the bloody money, duh.

 Back to my miserable rant about the weather.

Most animals are asleep somewhere warm... not these guys. 

At -13 (current temp), there are still a few die-hard wackjobs out there jogging. Jogging! 
At -15, if you park your car outdoors and your vehicle is warm and it's snowing, the snow melts and re-freezes in a solid layer of ice all over. Your doors will be frozen shut, your windshield wipers will be stuck, and you may actually be forced to... (shudder) SCRAPE.
After about -28 (that's 18 degrees to my friends south of the border), the moisture in the air is totally gone. So instead of the crunch crunch sound, the snow makes a horrible squeaking noise, kind of like rubbing styrofoam packing pieces against a cardboard box. It sets my teeth on edge just thinking about it.

Sunrise 8:20 am (ish) overlooking the stupidest parking lot in the history of ever (Mac's in Eagle Ridge)

After that, there turns out to be no easily discernible difference in temperature. There comes a certain point in the cold where the difference in temperature means freezing to death is only a few seconds one way or the other.

On the flipside- there is nothing quite so satisfying as being the first to tromp through a snow covered field. Even if it has to effing squeak.

Uh, this is getting a little out of hand...

 

image credit

I have been openly mocking the hell out of my good friend Ria for months. She is a "Twihard" (twi-TARD). Every chance I get I post funny cartoons to Facebook, I tease her in person regularly... Once, I mocked her in a text message; "Sorry" I said, "I'm Team Buffy".

My aversion to the whole "Twilight Experience" began when I had the acute displeasure of seeing the first movie on a flight to somewhere, but I hadn't bought headphones. I stared at the screen and marveled at how poor Bella couldn't stop twitching, and poor Edward suffered over her apparent stench. I couldn't for the life of me understand what all the fuss was about! I was determined that the Twilight Saga Bandwagon would pass me by. (Yes, another "bandwagon" thing- do you know I've never seen Titanic?)

Finally, after constant pestering, I accepted the loan of the novels from Ria. I decided I'd give my friend five pages, just five, and I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't return the collection smelling of vomit. I cracked the first cover Friday night before bed, and now at 5:30 pm on Tuesday, I've just finished the last book.

Damnit I'm ruined. I lost sleep this weekend. Up in the wee hours with the lamp on in the spare room, leaving my bewildered husband to shiver in an empty bed; I tore through the pages, reading until my eyes burned with fatigue. I carried it with me to wait for the kids at the bus stop. I hated to leave the house at all if I couldn't go somewhere to sit and read in peace. What's wrong with me? Is my own little life so dull and empty of romance and adventure that Twilight can take me away so easily? Of all the crazy things.

I look at my sweet husband now, and find myself slightly disappointed. He doesn't sparkle at all. I've been bitten and now there's no going back. Un-Fu**ing-Believable.

Baby it's cold outside... well, sort of.

Current Weather Updated: Fri, Oct. 22, 2010, 7:00 MDT - Fort McMurray Airport

2

°C

• °C
• °F

Overcast

• Feels Like: -
• Wind: 0km/h
• Sunrise: 8:12
• Sunset: 18:05

• Relative Humidity: 93%
• Pressure: 101.71 kPa
• Visibility: 14.0 km
• Ceiling: 1000 ft

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It's cold, it's dark... it's coming. I am less than thrilled about winter. Someone asked me "If you hate winter so much, what the hell are you doing in a place like Fort Mcmurray?"

Well, here's the thing, beyond -5 (that's a whopping 23 degrees to my American friends), I'm NOT going outside anyway! So whether it's -5 or -35, I'm not going out. Even in the "Sunny Okanagan", I stayed indoors for the winter. Too cold is too cold is too cold. 

There's a chance that I will adapt (ha), I remember going home last year in the winter, and compared to the nasty weather we had here, it was bloody balmy. Everyone was bundled up and bitching, and I was strolling around in a sweater. 

Yes, it's coming... Snow on Friday... 

Dying to Death of the "Meh's"

Yep, that's what I look like today. 

 Eventually I might need to eat something other than bread with jam and mini chocolate bars. Apparently you can OD on Hersheys. Symptoms include (not limited to); headache, severe heartburn, digestive upset, lethargy, fatigue, cravings, sore teeth (caramel variety), skin blemishes and, of course, great smelling poo.

 ***update*** So I made it out of the house. I forgot the stuff I was supposed to take with me to mail, forgot the kids swim gear, and one of the little kids peed in the car. One of the kids is swimming in lostandfound trunks that are too big and the lifeguard was nice enough to give me some tape to wrap around so they'd stay up. FML

I give up.

This morning the boys were unusually energetic- even for 7 year olds, even for 6am. They're bouncing around on the sofa, crashing cars and action figures, killing, dying, trying to figure out whether I can hear them so they can use swear words. I have a headache. Suddenly I hear one of them say "Ha Ha I was on a  date with Michael Jackson!!".

That's it. Enough. "WHO SAID THAT!?"...

 they reply "whosaidwhatnow?"

"Do either of you know who Michael Jackson is?"

"umm, he's a stupid singer?"

"Do you know he's dead?"

"uh, yeah, we know"

"Do you know he was a pedophile? Do you know what a pedophile is?"

"yeaahhhh, um... noooo...."

"He did dirty nasty painful things to children! Especially little boys like you!". "NO MORE JOKING ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON IN THIS HOUSE!"

"Oh, ok..."... ... ... ... "Um, can we still make fun of Justin Bieber?"

Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence!

And whatever you do, DON'T lay on a hedgehog! 

Uh, yeah. The other night I was trying to sleep on the couch because Mr Man was sick and I couldn't listen to the snoring and the hacking and sniffling and snorting and throat clearing. So I stomped downstairs and was about asleep when Sharon the Hedgehog decided it was rally race time on his wheel. I got up and took the wheel out, and apparently, sometime that night, he decided to escape. Yes, he had to scale out of a foot high cage, and fall off a 3 foot high piece of furniture, and spent the rest of the night and all of the next day somewhere downstairs! I don't know how we never noticed, and surely the kids would have found him, they find everything I want them to leave alone. 

Anyway, the following evening I decide to stretch out on the floor while we're watching TV, I move a cushion, flop down and promptly throw myself in the other direction, SCREAMING. I was holding myself off the floor by my fingertips and toenails trying to crane my neck around to see which one of the kids toys is getting thrown out next. And Mr Man tells me "Honey, it's a hedgehog!" WTF. There's Sharon rolled into a nasty spiky ball of (self defense) PAIN AND DOOM. Oh poor little bastard!

Poor ME! That really hurts! It took about 10 minutes to coax him out of his ball, and I let him run around on the floor to make sure he wasn't terribly injured- thankfully he wasn't. Then I put him and his wheel back in the cage with some froot loops (hedgehog crack) as a peace offering, and put the bloody lid back on. 

I assure you, the only animal that was really harmed in this incident was ME. He's up and eating and drinking and back on his wheel, and other than a little distrustful of fat chicks, he seems to be totally recovered. 

The ones that feel like they look good on me, but actually don't.

I need to go buy some clothes. I really don't want to for several reasons... reasons such as-

1, Buying clothes when you're fat is depressing. I have to try everything on, hate most of it, and usually  end up going home empty handed or worse- with a bunch of stuff one size larger than the last time I went.

2, Just because they make some things in my size, doesn't mean I should wear them! Halter style tops, low rise jeans, bathing  suits.... I am fat. Nobody wants to see my back fat or my ass crack, least of all me.

3, Ultimately, there is sh*t for selection- I can either go raid the Walmart for their Fat Grandma clothes (YAY ELASTIC WAIST SLACKS!), or I can go pay through the nose at the "stylish" fat people store for stuff that I will probably only wear once or twice and decide I hate.

4, Ultimately, I hate spending money. Especially on myself. It's a major self esteem issue, and no matter how hard I try to rationalize the necessity, I still feel guilty about buying clothes.

So, off to the Walmart I go for some more yoga pants.