Nobody talks about "the Big Two Nine", any more than they talk about the "Big Three Two"... All the same, this is a big deal- to me.
I know when I wake up on Sunday, I won't feel different, but a part of me still hopes that I will. I want to wake up and not have to remind myself that I'm in the middle of the Happiness Project, and remember to put on a happy face and be sweet even though I want to chew everyone's head off. I want to wake up and know what I want to do with my life beyond babysit and clean up after my family. I want to wake up knowing the Super Unknowable Secret to Happiness and Success.
I want my Zen back. That's what I want for my birthday. There have been times in my life, when totally by accident, I've been happy and content and satisfied. I didn't have to look for it, or spend hours deliberately focusing on the positive just so I could get through the day without screaming; times when I didn't feel the need to research medications, hoping to find the ultimate pill that would make me into Supermom. Of course, I don't really believe there is such a pill; I know all of that has to come from within.
If only I could just Brain my Heart into cooperation!
Isn't that awful? That picture there is what I feel like I have to do every day!
On the other hand... I am the luckiest unhappy girl in the world. I have a husband and a son who love me and live to make me happy. I get to stay home and take care of my little boy when he's sick. I have a terrible little carpet bomber of a dog who loves to lick my feet. I have a family who would take us in and give the shirt off their backs if we needed it. And I have some of the BEST DAMN FRIENDS in the WORLD! Friends that I can laugh with, cry with, and who love me even when I'm raging.
God, my life is AWESOME!
There, now all I need to do is forget that I'm TRYING and just BE.
