Monday, September 13, 2010

100 words today... and maybe even tomorrow

*a little about this project. I've taken it on a few times over the last several years. There's even a website to do this, but they expect you to really commit to this if you want to maintain the membership. It's 100 words, on any topic- I do it for no particular reason other than it's good brain exercise :)

So, for today...


I used to be good at this. At things in general. Now I just seem to get by. I came across a website today where I could send myself an email now and It would be delivered one year from now. I started, and foundered. I couldn’t think of a single thing worth saying to my “year from now” self. I can’t think past tomorrow.  My days run together and the future means nothing beyond “which kids do I have next week”, and shit, I have to go to the store. Someday maybe I won’t be so bloody, bloody, tired.



So there. That was 100. 

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Answer to the Question of Life, the Universe and Everything

I'm turning 29 on Sunday. And I'm trying not to have a total cow about it.
Nobody talks about "the Big Two Nine", any more than they talk about the "Big Three Two"... All the same, this is a big deal- to me.

I know when I wake up on Sunday, I won't feel different, but a part of me still hopes that I will. I want to wake up and not have to remind myself that I'm in the middle of the Happiness Project, and remember to put on a happy face and be sweet even though I want to chew everyone's head off. I want to wake up and know what I want to do with my life beyond babysit and clean up after my family. I want to wake up knowing the Super Unknowable Secret to Happiness and Success.

I want my Zen back. That's what I want for my birthday. There have been times in my life, when totally by accident, I've been happy and content and satisfied. I didn't have to look for it, or spend hours deliberately focusing on the positive just so I could get through the day without screaming; times when I didn't feel the need to research medications, hoping to find the ultimate pill that would make me into Supermom. Of course, I don't really believe there is such a pill; I know all of that has to come from within.

If only I could just Brain my Heart into cooperation!

Isn't that awful? That picture there is what I feel like I have to do every day!

On the other hand... I am the luckiest unhappy girl in the world. I have a husband and a son who love me and live to make me happy. I get to stay home and take care of my little boy when he's sick. I have a terrible little carpet bomber of a dog who loves to lick my feet. I have a family who would take us in and give the shirt off their backs if we needed it. And I have some of the BEST DAMN FRIENDS in the WORLD! Friends that I can laugh with, cry with, and who love me even when I'm raging. 

God, my life is AWESOME!

There, now all I need to do is forget that I'm TRYING and just BE.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Fruits of my half-assed labor

One of the "projects" I had assigned myself this year was to TAKE MORE PICTURES! So my crummy camera and I have been nearly inseparable, although I usually forget I have it with me!

Here's some of my best shots lately
There are LOTS and lots more... I may eventually get to uploading them all to Kodak... If you'd like to see them and order any prints yourself, send me an email, I might be inspired to get that done :)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Happiness Project

Day 2 of the rest of my life...

I do a lot of thinking and pondering and contemplating about the current status of my life, my family, my health, etc. I'm a "WHY" person. I have to know WHY things work this way or that way; WHY this happened or that happened, WHY I'm doing this or that... Which is usually a pretty reasonable way to go about things, usually there is an answer or solution to be found in the why.
Like if your foot hurts- Why does your foot hurt? Are your shoes too small? Do you have a splinter or a wart? Did you fall down or drop something on your foot? Are you prone to gout? Ok, so you have a splinter (say). Lets take it out and clean it up and you can stop limping and feeling sorry for yourself... What's that? No, you have no real reason for your foot to hurt? Oh well then SHUT UP. (see that's where the "why" system starts to come apart. Or even better; what? you don't WANT to take the splinter out? Fine. ROT.

What I'm trying to say is- This way of looking at things and treating situations is not getting me more of what I want. My whole life is riddled with idiopathic pain, and not just in the literal sense. My relationships, everything I do, is contaminated with bitterness as a result of apathy, and frustration that even when I do know why things are the way they are, I feel powerless and out of control.

And so, I've decided on a new approach. LET GO! What a novel concept. This is really REALLY a stretch for me. I am freeing myself of paralysis by analysis. I am breaking the cycle of anger-action-failure-anger-action-failure, and HOPEFULLY, as a side effect the unhappy-fat-unhappy-fat-unhappy-fat.... And maybe even the disappointment-react-disappointment-react.

This is the Happiness Project.


I treated myself to some hardcover notebooks yesterday. It was hard to write in the first one. I LOVE blank notebooks. Each one is a work of art waiting to happen. Each clean white page is so perfect and beautiful, waiting for someone perfect and beautiful to grace it with perfect and beautiful work. I certainly don't feel perfect or beautiful these days. Like the notebook now, pages blemished with ink and experience, I am a work in progress.

Yes, a work in progress. All I have for a plan at the moment is to sit and write (and doodle and color) about the good things in my life, instead of focusing on the crappy crap and wondering why it's crappy and wallowing in the futility of it all like I usually do.

And that my friends, is what the Happiness Project is all about.

on the 2nd page, all that desperate scribbling is actually an account of a FB wall encounter between me, my buddy Fraser and also Mona.

it goes like this-

Fraser Wai Kin Lau My acapellas are an act of terror, mad professor, drill sergeant’s skulls with a Black and Decker, anorexic man possessed with Samson’s strength, pull the Pillars of Hercules back together.

Mona Cayley
whatever
Yesterday at 7:31pm
 
Elisheba Christensen
yo yo he's a chinaman boy he aint playin no games he's into kickin some ass but he's takin no names- he's gonna bust tha rhymes like he's bustin yo chops and all yo digits are broke you won't be callin no cops.. Yeah the Po Po now they all in his pocket next to his big gun and also his rocket- so don't dis the boy you should be payin him favors, cause he's tha chinaman boy, he's tha rarest of flavors!
Yesterday at 8:21pm ·
Fraser Wai Kin Lau
Come ooon guys.. It's from a song. Do you _have_ to rag on me? :P
Yesterday at 9:15pm
 
Fraser Wai Kin Lau
And Lisa.. That was amazing. I laughed..

RONG TIME!

Hahaha
Yesterday at 9:16pm
 
Elisheba Christensen
hahahaha SNORT
Love you man.
BTW, I knew it was from a song, I also knew you hadn't heard any made up crap from me in like AGES.
it was a flash of RAP inspiration... it may never come again in this lifetime!
Yesterday at 9:41pm · 
 
It was something I considered to be a "Random Act of Awesome" and deserved to be preserved in my Happiness Project. 


 
 

 

Monday, May 17, 2010

Now, would everybody PLEASE STOP BREATHING!

It was a loooong weekend... It was a busy weekend, it was actually a terrific weekend, but now it is Monday, and I feel like I've been hit by a freight truck.

It all began with having the bright idea that I would make both Aaron and Sam's birthday cakes. Yes, cakes, 2 of them. Then I get to being brilliant and decide that they will both have PIRATE CAKES. Uh, I guess I should let you know that these are 2 grown men I'm talking about, but what caters more to the inner child than birthday cake right? So I brainstorm and make some interesting messes in my kitchen, and I'll post the rest of the gory details at the grill.

By 6pm on Saturday there was enough butter-cream icing spread all over my kitchen to contain another Chernobyl, and I walked the hell away! We were due to arrive at the party before 6 to help Emma get set up, but being as we were already late, I dropped off the cakes and tore over to the beer store. The highlight of my evening was having all of my favorite menfolk in attendance! There was of course Sam and AJ, also Aaron- it was after all his party too, but Diggid and Mike were there. Full roster! Too bad we weren't at my house, I might have got my towel rods put up for me! bwaa haaa haaaaaa. I heart heart heart polygamy :)

Many, many honey brown lagers later... I poured myself out of the passenger seat in my own garage, teetered around the block with Lucy- who had got bored and ate half of my reusable shopping bags (it's the only thing she could reach)- and tromped up to bed.

Ahhh, blissful, inebriated, comaaaa. No, maybe not so much... YELLOW. I roll out of bed and look out the window. YELLOW. I wander down the stairs and put on the kettle- there's a vibration in the floor, or is that post drinking shakes? I decide to go out front to smoke, as there seems to be no stairs outside my back door. YELLOW. I sit down on my front porch, and hear a big crash, loud enough to be heard over the roaring of a very large engine... OH RIGHT! There's a bloody EXCAVATOR IN MY BACK YARD! I dash out to the back and there's Sam and the neighbor guy doing the very manly dance of "shovel leaning and important gesturing", and my whole backyard is nice and level! oooooh. I are sooo pleased!

Ok, now I'm awake! OMG look at my kitchen :S
I cleaned it all up just in time for David to arrive and start Bombing. Melting chocolate,beating egg whites, spraying whipping cream out of the mixer and all over the counters... It was a BEAUTIFUL and very tasty mess.

Emma made an appearance, as well as Aaron, the girls, and Grandpa Hawk (Aaron's daddy), and it took the majority of the afternoon to make enough room in my kitchen to start supper. Mmm, stir-fry. Somehow, I had forgotten what a bloody mess stir-fry makes.

I suppose some of you might be wondering what the hell the point is to this whole story... well, there ISN'T one! HA!

Eventually, everyone gets fed, I abandon the mess, run out with Emma for an Extra Large Double Double (oh, yes, our very favorite late nite treat- and we both wonder why we can't sleep!), and return home to an excruciatingly warm house. I get all snuggled down in the spare room with the window cranked open as far as it will go, and Sam starts snoring so loud, I had to get up and shut his door. That was muted just nicely when AJ turned over on his back and started competing/harmonizing with his father from across the hall. Arrgh. I get up, shut AJ's door, and my door, and sure as hell,  the dog decides she's too hot and has ants in her pants- she starts huffing and panting and snorting and thrashing around in her kennel... So the dog goes downstairs, I stagger back up to bed and do the best impression of a lousy nights sleep I've done in awhile.

Now it is Monday, and I get to do it all over again!
(says the girl who might start sleeping in the garage).

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I think you're Beurre Mom...


My six year old came home from school the other day and gave me a piece of cardboard. It was off a box of microwave popcorn, and it was the French side apparently. He said to me, in his best little boy voice "Here Momma, I found this at school; it says "Beurre" but I wanted it to say Beautiful. Do you want to keep it?"


Oh, yes, I would like to keep it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Welcome 2010... um, better late than never.

10 things I want to do this year...
Starting a little late it seems!

  1. get the guitar checked out and re learn my chords
  2. make beeswax candles
  3. sew something... anything
  4. can tomatoes
  5. make jam
  6. get my dog to stop peeing in the house
  7. lose 10 lbs (hey, it's a start)
  8. finish the afghan I'm crocheting for mom
  9. take more pictures
  10. um, er, ok, I guess that's only nine. And that's a lot to chew.
I am categorically opposed to new-year resolutions. They're the best way to set yourself up for disappointment.
It's often hard enough to get through the day-to-day without feeling like I've totally blown it, and that's without a list of unreasonable expectations to try to achieve.

I do believe in positive visualization though, and I try to remain open and optimistic, it's just seasoned with a healthy dose of realism.

Today, I'm putting fresh batteries in my camera and I'm going to take a buttload of pictures. Go number 9!