The Job Hunt

An open letter to all the wonderful people who haven't hired me yet.

To whom it may concern,

Seriously, just call me. I'll put on my least disgusting hoodie and a clean pair of jeans and a charming smile, and come down and talk to you about the job. You'll like me, I promise. I'm funny and clever, and by the end of our little chat, you will want to hire me.

Yes, I really can do anything. I am very, very smart. Hand me a scalpel and stand me over a bursting appendix, and I will do just fine. I can also answer the phone, deal with miserable people, count change, and streamline your inventory control system. I make terrific coffee, and I will always remember what you like in it. I have an over developed sense of urgency, which means I am usually waiting outside in the parking lot half an hour before the traffic issue that will cause everyone else to be late that day.

No, I did not finish school. Nobody is perfect. Now I am a 30 year old mother, and the time and money involved in going back to train for "How to Take Minutes", and "Avoiding Workplace Harassment" just aren't there. I just want a job. Something I can do to get out of the house, pays more than I need to fork out for childcare, and makes me feel useful.

I don't like to be bored. Give me something to do when there's nothing to do. Or let me bring a book. I'm going to need time off sometimes. I am first and foremost a mother, and my vomiting child will always trump your business needs. Also, my husband makes more money than I do, and gets more vacation time. We go places. You will like when I come back with a tan and a smile- I will bring you wonderful things from far away places, and be a better employee for it.

I have an amazing sense of humor. If laughter and joy are against the rules in your workplace, maybe don't call me. People do die of The Brain Fog and I don't want to be another statistic of that epidemic. But you should know, I will make it more fun to work there.

So, if you feel you can provide a work environment suitable to my wide variety of skills and strengths, or are willing to take a chance on your appendix, please call me. I have several references from people who can attest to my extraordinary personality and abilities. And there's no harm in offering me a great job; the worst thing that could happen is I turn you down.